


Riddles and Body Bleach

by PerfectlyGruntled



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A little bad language, F/M, Humor, crackfic, idk i don't think it's NOT funny, ooc but like it's all of them, sexual innuendo, taken off my wattpad cuz i don't trust their sudden submission to capitalist greed, text speak (i.e. deliberately poor grammar and spelling so sorry about that)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26817361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerfectlyGruntled/pseuds/PerfectlyGruntled
Summary: You and the boys are doing research for a hunt over group chat but get a little off track. An unwelcome guest pops in. Hilarity ensues.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Destiel, Lucifer/reader
Kudos: 7





	Riddles and Body Bleach

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while back. The format was based off of some Avenger's text fics on Wattpad but I no longer know what the title was and who wrote it. it was a good time to write! Hope you like it! 
> 
> sidenote: if i ever have to code italics and bold into this bitch again i will commit so much fucking tax fraud. gonna go all Presidential on its the irs. thirty minutes i will never get back

_Sam has created a chat_

_Sam has added Dean, Castiel, (Y/N)_

**Sam:** Guys

**Sam:** Guys guess what

**(Y/N):** Did you get anywhere on the research?

**Dean:** Yeah we're not finding anything useful

**Sam:** No but I found something better

**Castiel:** What is it, Sam?

**Dean:** hold on

_Dean has changed 'Castiel' to 'Cas'_

**Dean:** it was making me uncomfortable. carry on

**Sam:** Guys

**(Y/N):** What

**Sam:** Riddles

**Dean:** ...

**Dean:** . . .

**Dean:** Sam ppl r literally dying as we speak wtf

**Sam:** Dean ppl r dying literally whenever we speak and we have no leads just let me have this

**(Y/N):** are they.........are they good riddles

**Sam:** .........yus

**(Y/N):** gimme

**Sam:** What can you take from a man who has nothing?

**Dean:** *takes your laptop*

**(Y/N):** *takes your 2-in-1 shampoo/hair conditioner*

**Sam:** You already do that

_Lucifer has joined the chat_

**Lucifer:** *takes your soul*

**Dean:** TOO FAR

**Sam:** ...

**Lucifer:** Hiya Sammy

**Lucifer:** Deano

**Lucifer:** Cassie

**Lucifer:** (Y/N) 🖤 _(black heart emoji)_

**(Y/N):** 🖤 _(black heart emoji)_

**Sam:** ...

**Sam:** bitch

**Dean:** someone say jerk before the universe collapses

**Cas:** Why would the universe collapse unless someone says 'jerk?'

**Cas:** Dean?

**Cas:** You're such a child.

**Cas:** Jerk.

**Dean:** thank you

**Lucifer:** (Y/N) why does sammeh hate meeeee

**(Y/N):** Hmmmmmmmmidk

**Sam:** oH YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU DID?? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID!!

_Lucifer has been disconnected_

**Sam:** serves him the fuck right. thirstyass ho

**Castiel:** ???

**Sam:** The answer is his virginity

**Castiel:** ?!?!?!

**Dean:** smooth transition there

**Sam:** Shut up

**(Y/N):** Wait but like,,,,,,,how

**Sam:** If he has nothing, then he doesn't have sex

**Cas:** That is a paradox.

**Sam:** Stfu

**Cas:** What does that mean?

**Dean:** don't worry about it

**(Y/N):** Hey Sam remember that job we were working? That job that saves peoples lives? That job?

**Sam:** Fine

_Lucifer has joined the chat_

**Lucifer:** the wifi down here is no bueno

**Sam:** Leave

**Sam:** You are not welcome here

**Dean:** got'em

**Cas:** The lingo here is very strange. It is as if the laws of grammar and spelling do not apply. I shall document my findings.

**Dean:** never say lingo again

**Sam:** The power of Christ compels you to gtfo

**Lucifer:** (Y/N) Sam's being a big meanie help

**Lucifer:** (Y/NNNNNN)

**Lucifer:** halp meh pls

**Lucifer:** dark princess most amorous where u go

**Sam:** You're too late. She can't hear you now

**Lucifer:** wHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LOVE

**Dean:** you'll never know

**Cas:** Sam stole (Y/N)'s phone.

**Dean:** CAS

**Cas:** She is in the process of getting it back. Sam is too tall. She cannot reach.

**Lucifer:** give her baaaaaaack

**Lucifer:** wait

**Lucifer:** is she jumping?

**Dean:** why

**Lucifer:** I like it when she jumps...

**Cas:** She is jumping.

**Dean:** dude that's so weird that's not even a kink stop

**Lucifer:** 😈 _(smiley devil emoji)_

**(Y/N):** Ha she left her phone open

**(Y/N):** I'm gonna scroll through her camera roll

**Lucifer:** sam I swear to dad you stay out of that daddamn camera roll for your own safety as much as ours

**Lucifer:** and give my princess back her phone

**(Y/N):** ha ha no

**Dean:** sam don't do it

**Cas:** This all sounds very inadvisable.

**(Y/N):** I'm gonna do it

**Sam:** bitch I will cut you

**(Y/N):** It's too late. I'm gonna open the app

**Lucifer:** princess?

**Sam:** Yeah. Daddy Longlegs left his phone on the table

**Lucifer:** dont call him that.

**Dean:** how did you get into it tho?

**Sam:** Really easily actually. His password's 327&/!;7,@@2?92$hsitvskfgh

**Lucifer:** PRINCESS?

**Sam:** Take back your tainted device you foul woman

**Lucifer:** yes return my bb

**Dean:** Sam explain

**(Y/N):** babe hi

**Lucifer:** 💖 _(sparkly heart emoji)_

**(Y/N):** 💖 _(sparkly heart emoji)_

**Sam:** you two are gross

**Lucifer:** 👿 _(frowny devil emoji)_

**(Y/N):** our pictures r cute what r u talking about

**Dean:** sem explen

**Cas:** Please do not explain, Sam.

**Sam:** I need to bleach my entire body

**Lucifer:** do it

**Dean:** Sammy pleeeeease?

_Sam has sent Dean a private message_

_Dean has left the chat_

**(Y/N):** oh shit he's running

_Dean has joined the chat_

**Dean:** WHAT FHE FUCK MAN RHATS UNNATURAL (Y/N) ARE YOU OKAY DOESNT THAT HURT??!?!!??

_Dean has left the chat_

**Cas:** One could even say...Supernatural.

**(Y/N):** Leave.

_Cas has left the chat_

**(Y/N):** no wait Cas

**Lucifer:** I would never hurt my princess!

**Lucifer:** Unless she wants me to ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Sam:** pls no

**(Y/N):** pls yes

_Cas has joined the chat_

**Cas:** What is 'pls?'

**Sam:** Please

**Cas:** Please what?

**Sam:** ...

**Sam:** nvm

**Cas:** ???

**Sam:** Never mind.

**(Y/N):** give up

**Cas:** I am very confused.

**Sam:** pls = please

**Cas:** I see. I will remember that.

**Lucifer:** hey (Y/N)

**(Y/N):** Yes love of my life?

**Lucifer:** if there were a cute police they'd shoot you on sight for being so darn adorable

**(Y/N):** Aw babe ily

**Lucifer:** ily2

**Cas:** I do not understand.

**Sam:** Perhaps it's best that it stays that way

**Sam:** Also (Y/N) I'm worried for your safety

**Lucifer:** sam if there were a cute police they'd hit you with their car but not because you're cute just because they want you to not be alive

**Sam:** why tho

**Lucifer:** my bb is safe and sound

**Cas:** Your compliments all end in her dying. That is not healthy.

**Lucifer:** false

**(Y/N):** He has a point, babe

**Lucifer:** aw babe im sorry

**(Y/N):** it's okay apology accepted

**Sam:** i hate both of you so much

**Lucifer:** Awwww Sammy doesn't loooove uuuuuus?

**(Y/N):** I don't think he dooooooes

**Sam:** Fuck yourseeeeeelves

**Cas:** What a fascinating interaction.

**(Y/N):** Seriously tho we should really get to work. And get Dean

**Cas:** I will go find him. He ran off in the direction of the laundry room. I'm worried for him.

**Lucifer:** Destiel?????

**Cas:** No, my name is Castiel.

**Sam:** right over his head

**Lucifer:** i noticed

**Cas:** why are we talking like this?

**(Y/N):** Dean must be really worrying right now out in a room far away on his own. Cas, go find him.

**Cas:** That is a good idea. I'll go do that.

_Cas has left the chat_

**Lucifer:** that's not the only thing he's gonna go do

**Lucifer:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

_Sam has left the chat_

**(Y/N):** You've scared him away

**Lucifer:** i tend to have that affect

**(Y/N):** I Wonder What Could Have Inspired It

**Lucifer:** Havent The Foggyest

**(Y/N):** mhm

**(Y/N):** Anyway I gtg work so...

**Lucifer:** But I wanna seeeee youuuu

**Lucifer:** Take the warding downnnnn

**Lucifer:** pleeeeeeease?

**(Y/N):** ...

**(Y/N):** give me five minutes

_(Y/N) has left the chat_

**Lucifer:** 😈 _(smiley devil emoji)_

_Lucifer has left the chat_


End file.
